Sunday, March 7, 2010

The War Going Badly

September 22, 2007

The war against the insect world has been going very badly lately. Witnesses report an increase of six- and even eight-legged fiends crawling around their houses. Says one unnamed complainant, “It’s horrible. Every time I leave dirty dishes on the table, I come back to find little brown ants swarming around them. I don’t know where they come from or how they find out so quickly. I’ve had to clean and clean just to maintain some sanity. Even then, they still come, on my floor, sometimes even on my bed.

“Besides that, I’ve found tiny flies buzzing in my trash, a giant roach lurking behind my door, even a persistent moth in my bathroom. He wouldn’t leave and I had to shower with it. Ew. I mean, can you believe it? Then it just died in there, and I had to rinse it down the drain. What is the world coming to?”

Scientists believe the cause of this “surge” has to do with the cooling autumn temperatures. “It’s perfectly obvious,” said one. “When the weather cools down at night, people start leaving their doors open and this is a welcome invitation for the insects to walk right in.” Others are skeptical. “I use a screen,” said one such skeptic. “I can understand the smaller insects, but how do you account for the larger ones getting in?”

Some of the most dismaying news from the battlefield is the apparent “turning” of our allies over to the enemy camp. “Spiders and I had an agreement,” said one witness sadly. “They didn’t come inside and I didn’t kill them when I saw them outside. They eat other insects after all.”

But relations broke down when the said witness found a spider crawling inside the walls of her home. “It wasn’t a small one either. It was giant, the size of my hand.” Not wanting to endanger the alliance, the witness refrained from executing said traitor, instead banishing it from her realm. “I captured it in a cardboard box and flung it from the balcony.”

So far retaliations against the “surge” of insects has been sporadic and disorganized. Some biochemical weapons have been used, but witnesses complain of it ruining the environment. “I hate the smell of bug spray. Especially in the kitchen.”

Most insect attacks are parried by the most primitive methods: squashing, sweeping, vacuuming, wiping, and, in the most severe cases, crushing the assailants between tissue and dumping their carcass in the trash. Currently strategists are pondering using more advanced biochemical weapons, but no set plans have been announced.

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